Women Must Learn the Language of Power
by Connie Glaser
Best-selling author and keynote speaker Connie
Glaser is one of the country's leading experts on gender communication and women
in leadership . Exploring communication differences
between men and women, Connie offers corporate seminars on effective communications
and overcoming barriers to leadership.
There is no more important skill in attaining success -- personal and professional
-- than your ability to communicate effectively. Yet women often sabotage
themselves through their communication skills. Differences in how men and
women communicate are rooted in social conditioning. Only by understanding
the impact of this social conditioning and how it translates into the workplace
can we begin to unlearn "girlish" behaviors and become power communicators.
Certain types of behavior have been expected of women since time began.
For "little ladies," arguing, cursing and displays of anger have
been taboo. Most little girls were -- and many still are -- raised to be
polite, cooperative and, by and large, docile. Historically, women were encouraged
to speak softly, always say please and thank you, and smile a lot. It's no
wonder that as we grew up, learning to express ourselves forcefully became
a real challenge.
This gender differentiation begins practically at birth. Social psychologist
Jeffrey Rubin and his associates have found that first-time fathers use different
adjectives to describe their newborns, depending on whether the infant is
a boy or a girl. Day-old sons are "firm," "strong" and "alert." Daughters
are "soft" and "delicate."
When mothers were observed with their infants, they frequently gave sons
a train to play with and handed their daughters a doll. And these were mothers
who felt they were free of gender differentiation.
In the toddler stage, boys are encouraged to have rough-and-tumble interaction,
while daughters' parents place far more emphasis on talking. Gender-specific
behavior is reinforced by grade-school textbooks, children's cartoons and
the mass media.
With this early social conditioning, it's no wonder that boys and girls
emerge with very different self-concepts. These differences surface not just
in the way they play, but in the way they communicate, and, later in life,
in the way they conduct professional interactions.
It's no secret that boys grow up preferring to play outdoors in large groups
that are structured hierarchically -- think tag, baseball, football. Their
groups usually have a leader and their games almost always have winners and
losers. Boys are encouraged to boast about their skills and to argue about
who's best at what.
Compare this to the traditional behavior of girls, who are often found playing
in small groups or pairs, where intimacy is key (playing house, jumping rope,
hopscotch). Everyone gets a turn regardless of skill and there are no real
winners or losers. Because girls are typically more concerned with being
liked than being the winner, challenge and status are rare and boasting is
discouraged.
So what do you think happens when these little boys and girls grow up and
become members of the work force? Because men grew up in hierarchical structures,
they are comfortable with organizational charts. Women, conversely, have
traditionally been more comfortable cooperating with people rather than controlling
them or -- worse -- being controlled by them.
Businessmen generally have few, if any, qualms about issuing orders or voicing
complaints. Most women tend to be uncomfortable pulling rank; better to get
one's way by having everyone agree. Men rarely seem uncomfortable with disagreement,
while women typically go out of their way to avoid confrontation.
Particularly crucial to our approach to careers is the fact that men seem
to expect to be successful, and when they are, they take full credit. While
women hope to be successful, and when they are, generally attribute it to
teamwork or luck.
Traditionally, in the business world, the male model of authority was considered
superior to the female model of collaboration. However, it's becoming abundantly
clear that effective communicators are fluent with both styles. The key to
success lies not only in recognizing and understanding the difference between
the two styles of communication, but focusing on and creating for one's self
a style that encompasses the best of both worlds.
